I'm Writing This At 12:25 AM

This post is going to be a little bit different.

Maybe it's because I'm writing this at 12:25 AM with a bowl of ice cream in hand and no ability whatsoever to fall asleep, or maybe it's because I've been subjected to a multitude of various emotions recently, but this post is going to be a lot more personal than others. I think I really need to write down some things that are going on with me, not for you guys, but rather for myself. Because I find I'm struggling to come up for air in a life that seems to keep dragging me under in big and little ways.

For those of you that know me well, you know I suffer from a lot of anxiety and the occasional panic attack. This current semester in particular has been extremely stressful for me financially and the anxiety has gotten bad. Recently I've been having panic attacks 2-3 times a week, sometimes with a notable cause to them, others while I'm simply sitting in bed watching Netflix. Like tonight. It can be very difficult to look at yourself as a grown woman who is mature and independent when these attacks leave you crying so hard you can't catch your breath and you mind is throbbing with all the thoughts crashing around inside of it. I feel so childish. I should be able to stop it, I should be able to just "get over it", as people say. But I can't and this leaves me all the more frustrated.

The panic attacks are worse than you might think. I'm terrified I might be sitting in class one day and completely lose it. Can you imagine a small-ish girl at the front of your lecture hall breaking out into tears and shaking all over, unable to breathe? It would be horrible. I'd forever be the girl who had a mental break during lecture. But unfortunately, there is no good way to prevent a panic attack. I'm working on coping strategies over time, but the thing about panic attacks is that they can be unpredictable and once it starts you kinda just have to ride it out.

I talk about November Project a lot these days, and truth be told, there's a larger reason behind that. Yes, it's an amazing community and a lot of fun, but to me it's also part of the cure. When I was younger and still did ballet, the simple act of movement and concentrating on difficult sequences and perfecting my coordination, balance, endurance, and strength helped me keep my anxiety under control. November Project is a lot like that. It gives me something to look forward to, something to concentrate on wholeheartedly, and something to improve in physically. I'm getting fit on the outside and healing on the inside as well.

But it's not an easy road to being anxiety free. November Project helps, but once I get back from running a stadium it's off to classes, then meetings, then work, then more classes, and by the time my day is wrapping up, I have homework to do, dinner to cook, emails to respond to... I never get a moment of peace. Even watching Netflix doesn't allow me to relax anymore, not truly. I know that if I'm watching Netflix, there's definitely still something else I could be getting done and it causes me a lot of anxiety when I realize this.

I've needed to clean my half of the room for weeks, but have had an enormous amount of trouble bringing myself to do it. I'm very much a perfectionist and if I can't get it done perfectly in one fell swoop then I hardly ever even bother attempting. So I've left my room and laundry to sit and accumulate and I know I need to do something about it but every time I try I get more and more anxious and depressed. I know it sounds stupid. But it's something I've become extremely stressed about and this is my blog and if you really don't want to hear about my issues I suggest you stop reading right now. Spoiler: they're gonna come up.

Today in particular was one excellent example of the ups and downs I face and why they set me off. I didn't sleep well last night (by the time you read this, two nights ago) and so from the get-go I was running behind and wildly under-caffeinated. I had my 8 am, and afterwards had plans to either sit and read (currently reading I Am Malala and LOVING it) or I was going to attempt to tackle my room. I ended up sitting in front of my dresser for over an hour, doing not much at all except letting horribly anxious thoughts race through my mind, until I decided to try on my dress for Saturday night. (I'll explain about Saturday night later.) I then ran through everything that was wrong with the dress, the fact that my hair is never going to look the way I want it too, and the fact that I won't have clear skin by that night, all in my mind. It was only 11:30 when I left for my second class of the day but already I had hit an anxious thought threshold. During class, I received an email noting that I had been selected to interview for an RA position here at Northeastern. Which, right off the bat, made me ecstatic. But then I found out I had to interview tomorrow (or today, by the time I publish this). Immediate anxiety. Luckily, I called in a favor and my friend came over to help me prep. I'm finally feeling confident about what to say for certain questions, although looking at a list of "Most Popular RA Interview Questions" which is 4 pages long certainly gets my head into tizzy still. But now, the main issue at hand is how to dress for the interview, as I currently own no business casual clothing. Flinging things around in my closet and making my room even more of a mess was not how I pictured tonight going... On top of all of THAT I've eaten almost exclusively ice cream today and in general feel like a 2 on a 1 to 10 scale.

Everything about the last paragraph helped led up to the panic attack I had just before writing this. I was sitting in bed, watching House of Cards, when the weight of everything I have to do tomorrow suddenly became too much and crushed me all at once. I'm not ashamed to admit I cried for half an hour straight.

Saturday night is also weighing heavily in my mind and the stress of that surely contributed to my attack. I'm not very good at asking guys out, nor have I done it often so the fact that I was able to ask him out at all was a miracle. I planned for a night out at a fancy restaurant and then he's taking me to the symphony, and the invite I hand wrote called for black tie attire, which means I have to look like an 11, which is difficult since I feel like a 4. The stressful part is that he agreed to the date, but as friends. Which I'd be fine with if feelings weren't getting in the way. But like feelings tend to do...they're in the way. So now I'm dealing with trying to suppress these feelings and carry on as friends, which basically is a task equivalent to climbing Mt. Everest at this point.

To add to the stress, guess who overcharged her bank account and is now out $70 in overdraft fees? This girl.

I legitimately don't know how to cope with these things. The term "roll with the punches" makes sense and all, but I don't know how to actually go through with it. Things crop up in my life and I shut down. Literally. My body tenses, I scream and cry, and everything just goes a little fuzzy and out of focus. It's one of the worst things about anxiety: you can't just keep on going through a rough patch, you have to deal with things as they come up, and your body's natural way of dealing with them is to freak out.

I realize this became very personal, very fast. When I set out out to create this blog, I didn't know what direction it would go in. Every week's gonna be a little different, but for the most part you won't see a lot of these posts coming through. This was a once-off, need-to-get-some-things-off-my-chest kind of post. I like keeping y'all from hearing the nasty details of my own personal life, but sometimes it's too much for just me.

To end on a good note: here's my Top 5 Songs of the Week!

1. Sugar // Karmin
2. Yellow Flicker Beat // Lorde
3. Heartbeat // Childish Gambino
4. Tears to Diamonds // Watsky
5. Beggin For Thread // Banks

I thank you for allowing me to share this with you. If any of you have a problem with anxiety or depression, please come talk to me. I know it's not easy, but we're gonna be fine. If I can ask out the boy I'm falling for and get friend-zoned, and still get out of bed in the morning and run Harvard Stadium and look cute in class and tackle whatever tasks the day throws at me, then we can take on anything together.

I love you all immensely,