I Get It, Not All Y'all Are Directioners

Hi y'all!

Before I talk about anything else, I want to take a few seconds to say: thank you. Last week's anxiety riddled post was a nerve-wracking experience, not only from a writing standpoint, but also from a public viewing standpoint. I was scared to share something so personal with so many of you. My experiences with panic attacks and anxiety aren't a secret by any means, but I don't talk about them all that openly. A select few people know and we chat occasionally about the subject. But after last week's post, I had so many reach out to me in support of my piece and of me as a person. For anyone who messaged me or talked to me in person about the post: you're all incredible human beings. Thank you for brightening my weekend and for reminding me how very loved I am, something I seem to forget from time to time. I appreciate each and every one of you more than words can explain.

I promise y'all this week will be more upbeat! Yesterday was fantastic, starting at 7 am with a boloco marketing event (I handed out free breakfast burritos and it was bomb, I love making people's mornings in a cute way) and ended with me sitting in my newly cleaned room (I FINALLY DID IT YAY PROGRESS) writing down bits of inspiration to hang on my walls.

I also accomplished a lot throughout the course of the day yesterday (at least by my usually unproductive standards), most importantly of which included me submitting my application for the Communications and Marketing Chair on the Student Leadership Council of Husky Ambassadors! Fingers crossed all goes well with that, I'd love to finally take on more marketing roles in my life, in addition to the few I've worked in so far.

Today's been simultaneously awesome and miserable. I woke up at 4:30 am like I've been doing (I'm crazy, we all  know by now, moving on) and got myself pumped up for my stadium workout, knowing it would be bitterly cold but bracing myself and thinking I'd be fine. Spoiler: I was not, indeed, fine. HOLY HELL it was cold out this morning. Even though I ended the workout feeling a bit frozen (read: a literal chunk of ice) I still PR'ed today and was feeling a bit superhuman. I cannot stress enough how fantastic these stadium mornings have been for my overall mental and physical well-being. 2 months ago I could do 15 sections in 45 minutes and now I'm running 22 in 32 minutes, and if that's not some encouraging sh*t, I don't know what is.

I've been running back and forth across Boston today from one thing to another and my schedule's been a bit hectic, but I made sure I made the time to attend the 2014 State of the University address given by none other than Northeastern's President Aoun! I find that whenever I'm feeling a bit down, I use Husky Ambassadors as a source of rejuvenation. Giving tours to families reminds me of all the amazingness that is Northeastern, whether it be through phenomenal co-op experiences or just the initiatives our university is taking to make the world a better place. Attending the #StateofNU address basically reminded me of why I'm here and what we're doing as a university to improve lives and empower students. It was inspiring and uplifting, and not only that but I got to witness the first ever Global Officers chosen to work under President Aoun! (I'm incredibly jealous and cannot WAIT for the day when I'm standing in their shoes.)

As for the rest of the day, I have classes on classes on classes, not to mention the fact that I double booked myself for two different meetings tonight (both have pizza being served so with double the pizza, I'm really not all that upset). I also registered for next semester's classes (first semester as a business major whaddup) and my schedule is beautiful. Nothing on Tuesday and Friday? Yes please.

One last thing I wanted to talk about before wrapping this up is something I've talked about earlier on this month, something which is probably the most important thing to happen this week, something that has been rocking my world (have you guessed yet?): ONE DIRECTION'S NEW ALBUM.

I get it, not all y'all are Directioners. It's cool. I would say I understand, but I really don't, so... But even if you hate them with a fiery burning passion, give their latest a listen. The guys have really matured and changed their sound over the years and this album, which has a bit of an 80s rock vibe to it, really reflects that change. You've probably guessed that my Top 5 Songs are gonna all come from the album, so here goes:

1. Fool's Gold
2. Night Changes
3. Ready to Run
4. 18
5. Stockholm Syndrome

...but it goes without saying that all the songs are mind-blowing. I listened to the album while running the stadium this morning and personally I think it's what pushed me to PR. 

This is the last full week of classes for us NU kids, so for anyone reading from NU, enjoy it! Finals are nearly here (stress stress stress) but y'all are gonna rock it. 

Until next time, love y'all, bye!

I'm Writing This At 12:25 AM

This post is going to be a little bit different.

Maybe it's because I'm writing this at 12:25 AM with a bowl of ice cream in hand and no ability whatsoever to fall asleep, or maybe it's because I've been subjected to a multitude of various emotions recently, but this post is going to be a lot more personal than others. I think I really need to write down some things that are going on with me, not for you guys, but rather for myself. Because I find I'm struggling to come up for air in a life that seems to keep dragging me under in big and little ways.

For those of you that know me well, you know I suffer from a lot of anxiety and the occasional panic attack. This current semester in particular has been extremely stressful for me financially and the anxiety has gotten bad. Recently I've been having panic attacks 2-3 times a week, sometimes with a notable cause to them, others while I'm simply sitting in bed watching Netflix. Like tonight. It can be very difficult to look at yourself as a grown woman who is mature and independent when these attacks leave you crying so hard you can't catch your breath and you mind is throbbing with all the thoughts crashing around inside of it. I feel so childish. I should be able to stop it, I should be able to just "get over it", as people say. But I can't and this leaves me all the more frustrated.

The panic attacks are worse than you might think. I'm terrified I might be sitting in class one day and completely lose it. Can you imagine a small-ish girl at the front of your lecture hall breaking out into tears and shaking all over, unable to breathe? It would be horrible. I'd forever be the girl who had a mental break during lecture. But unfortunately, there is no good way to prevent a panic attack. I'm working on coping strategies over time, but the thing about panic attacks is that they can be unpredictable and once it starts you kinda just have to ride it out.

I talk about November Project a lot these days, and truth be told, there's a larger reason behind that. Yes, it's an amazing community and a lot of fun, but to me it's also part of the cure. When I was younger and still did ballet, the simple act of movement and concentrating on difficult sequences and perfecting my coordination, balance, endurance, and strength helped me keep my anxiety under control. November Project is a lot like that. It gives me something to look forward to, something to concentrate on wholeheartedly, and something to improve in physically. I'm getting fit on the outside and healing on the inside as well.

But it's not an easy road to being anxiety free. November Project helps, but once I get back from running a stadium it's off to classes, then meetings, then work, then more classes, and by the time my day is wrapping up, I have homework to do, dinner to cook, emails to respond to... I never get a moment of peace. Even watching Netflix doesn't allow me to relax anymore, not truly. I know that if I'm watching Netflix, there's definitely still something else I could be getting done and it causes me a lot of anxiety when I realize this.

I've needed to clean my half of the room for weeks, but have had an enormous amount of trouble bringing myself to do it. I'm very much a perfectionist and if I can't get it done perfectly in one fell swoop then I hardly ever even bother attempting. So I've left my room and laundry to sit and accumulate and I know I need to do something about it but every time I try I get more and more anxious and depressed. I know it sounds stupid. But it's something I've become extremely stressed about and this is my blog and if you really don't want to hear about my issues I suggest you stop reading right now. Spoiler: they're gonna come up.

Today in particular was one excellent example of the ups and downs I face and why they set me off. I didn't sleep well last night (by the time you read this, two nights ago) and so from the get-go I was running behind and wildly under-caffeinated. I had my 8 am, and afterwards had plans to either sit and read (currently reading I Am Malala and LOVING it) or I was going to attempt to tackle my room. I ended up sitting in front of my dresser for over an hour, doing not much at all except letting horribly anxious thoughts race through my mind, until I decided to try on my dress for Saturday night. (I'll explain about Saturday night later.) I then ran through everything that was wrong with the dress, the fact that my hair is never going to look the way I want it too, and the fact that I won't have clear skin by that night, all in my mind. It was only 11:30 when I left for my second class of the day but already I had hit an anxious thought threshold. During class, I received an email noting that I had been selected to interview for an RA position here at Northeastern. Which, right off the bat, made me ecstatic. But then I found out I had to interview tomorrow (or today, by the time I publish this). Immediate anxiety. Luckily, I called in a favor and my friend came over to help me prep. I'm finally feeling confident about what to say for certain questions, although looking at a list of "Most Popular RA Interview Questions" which is 4 pages long certainly gets my head into tizzy still. But now, the main issue at hand is how to dress for the interview, as I currently own no business casual clothing. Flinging things around in my closet and making my room even more of a mess was not how I pictured tonight going... On top of all of THAT I've eaten almost exclusively ice cream today and in general feel like a 2 on a 1 to 10 scale.

Everything about the last paragraph helped led up to the panic attack I had just before writing this. I was sitting in bed, watching House of Cards, when the weight of everything I have to do tomorrow suddenly became too much and crushed me all at once. I'm not ashamed to admit I cried for half an hour straight.

Saturday night is also weighing heavily in my mind and the stress of that surely contributed to my attack. I'm not very good at asking guys out, nor have I done it often so the fact that I was able to ask him out at all was a miracle. I planned for a night out at a fancy restaurant and then he's taking me to the symphony, and the invite I hand wrote called for black tie attire, which means I have to look like an 11, which is difficult since I feel like a 4. The stressful part is that he agreed to the date, but as friends. Which I'd be fine with if feelings weren't getting in the way. But like feelings tend to do...they're in the way. So now I'm dealing with trying to suppress these feelings and carry on as friends, which basically is a task equivalent to climbing Mt. Everest at this point.

To add to the stress, guess who overcharged her bank account and is now out $70 in overdraft fees? This girl.

I legitimately don't know how to cope with these things. The term "roll with the punches" makes sense and all, but I don't know how to actually go through with it. Things crop up in my life and I shut down. Literally. My body tenses, I scream and cry, and everything just goes a little fuzzy and out of focus. It's one of the worst things about anxiety: you can't just keep on going through a rough patch, you have to deal with things as they come up, and your body's natural way of dealing with them is to freak out.

I realize this became very personal, very fast. When I set out out to create this blog, I didn't know what direction it would go in. Every week's gonna be a little different, but for the most part you won't see a lot of these posts coming through. This was a once-off, need-to-get-some-things-off-my-chest kind of post. I like keeping y'all from hearing the nasty details of my own personal life, but sometimes it's too much for just me.

To end on a good note: here's my Top 5 Songs of the Week!

1. Sugar // Karmin
2. Yellow Flicker Beat // Lorde
3. Heartbeat // Childish Gambino
4. Tears to Diamonds // Watsky
5. Beggin For Thread // Banks

I thank you for allowing me to share this with you. If any of you have a problem with anxiety or depression, please come talk to me. I know it's not easy, but we're gonna be fine. If I can ask out the boy I'm falling for and get friend-zoned, and still get out of bed in the morning and run Harvard Stadium and look cute in class and tackle whatever tasks the day throws at me, then we can take on anything together.

I love you all immensely,

I Decided To Take A Week Off Of Twitter (!!!)

Hi y'all!

As you all know, I'm a little bit crazy when it comes to social media. It kiiiiinda runs my life and I'm never able to spend very long away from it. Even a little over an hour without a phone and my Twitter and Insta and I start breaking out and getting anxious (not gonna lie). I used to say I was unashamed of this, but truth is I'm quite ashamed.

Social media has taken over all parts of our lives and it's hard to get away from at this point. Everything runs through a computer: our to-do lists, our calendars, our public lives, our private lives even... Our hopes and dreams and life goals are on show for everyone to see and the more I think about this, the more disturbing the idea is to me.

I am at a stage in my life where I have several critical life choices to make. What I want to do with my career. Who I want to allow into my life, as a friend or as a romantic relationship. What kind of quality of life I want to have. What I want to take up in my free time. There's so much riding on this period of my life, and it's incredibly terrifying for an 18 year old girl. Everyone I know is in this same situation as well: we're young and forced to make choices that will affect the rest of our lives. Social media only adds to the stress, as now it's a social norm to let everyone know your daily happenings and when you're midst all the stress of college and the choices you're making, living in the public eye can possibly cause you to make the wrong choices.

For example, if I tweet something about possibly accepting a co-op offer, and several people weigh in, their opinions would most definitely hold influence over my ultimate decision. I may just end up making the wrong decision for what I want. That's the danger of social media.

Two weeks ago, I decided to take an entire week of off Twitter. I had been spending every other minute checking and rechecking my feed and I needed to take some time off to collect myself and refresh. So from Sunday night until Friday night, I did not once open Twitter. I deleted the app from my phone. I blocked the site from my laptop. And for the first 24 hours, I thought I was going to die.

I had gotten to the point where everything revolved around social media. It was like my life was not validated until I posted a pic on Insta or wrote a tweet about it. Happiness was getting over 40 likes on an Insta pic and I realized that it was too much pressure and quite stupid frankly.

So to begin the week, everything was difficult. I kept trying to distract myself but there were times where I simply laid on my bed watching my phone's screen waiting for a text of some sort or ANY notification for that matter. But then, about 4 days in, I started to get less anxious about not tweeting. I started to have fun simply for the sake of having fun, not because I wanted a cute pic to post on Facebook out of it. And it was fanTASTIC.

Don't get me wrong, when the week was up, I was ecstatic to get my Twitter back and be up and running again. But having a refresh was lovely. I now spend much less time on Twitter and it's caused me an incredible amount of satisfaction. I no longer feel the need to read through my entire feed because I might miss something. Life's the littlest bit simpler now and it's beautiful. Here's hoping I don't get too bad again, but it's good to know that if I do I can take a detox week.

Today's post is a bit different than my others, and I will be sure to post another later in the week on another topic, but I felt this needed to be talked about. I'll never call social media "stupid", but I do think the way our culture has become obsessed with it, and admittedly how addicted I am to it, is stupid. We let something that really shouldn't mean all that much mean everything to us and as a person who does this, it needs to stop.

Thanks for listening to my spiel.

Until next time, love y'all, bye!

Peppermint Mocha And Ski Season??

Hi there!

I feel like it has become a recurring thing for me to apologize at the beginning of my posts, and I'm not about to break that trend apparently. My apologies for the week off last week! I had exams to study for, papers to write, and a few things to take care of in my personal life that barred me from writing. This week though I am back and better than ever!

The most important thing on my mind currently is NOVEMBER PROJECT. It's all me and my friends have been talking about for weeks now, and the big day is tomorrow! Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, the tribe meets to take on crazy workouts and hug out our frustrations. This week at Harvard Stadium, we will be taking Yearbook Photos! It's our biggest recruitment day of the year, and we're hoping to get 3014 people in our 16 cities across the US and now the world. Be one of those people and #justshowup. I promise it'll be the best part of your day.

Okay, now that I've put a recruitment blast out... Projects! A while back I mentioned a couple of projects I was working on that I was excited about but couldn't talk about yet. I'm ecstatic that I can finally talk about them!

First off, I will be guest blogging for Northeastern's Career Development blog in the near future (I think I've mentioned that one briefly before). Look out for a post from me about how one student organization helped me to develop my leadership capabilities and how I can translate these skills to the workplace and future careers.

Secondly, I was contacted a while back about a writing opportunity through the Northeastern Admissions office. This opportunity entailed me writing a letter detailing all the amazing opportunities Northeastern has to offer and how I've taken advantage of these opportunities and created a home for myself here at Northeastern. This letter, now complete after a couple of stages of editing, will be sent to each and every student accepted into Northeastern University. For all you out there thinking of applying, or perhaps you already have applied, be on the look out for a letter from yours truly in your acceptance packages! The only thing I'm left wondering is, can I put this on my resume somehow?

Next, I've now verbally committed to running a half-marathon at this time next year. I know, I know... Something's wrong with me and I must be out of my mind. But for some reason, I have a huge drive to do this. I've never shied from a challenge, and what with joining November Project and motivating myself to get back in shape, I found myself wanting to do as so many of my friends have been doing and take on a half marathon. I've gotten so into the fitness movement that I even ordered myself a new pair of sneakers (they're GORGEOUS) and I was excited about it? I'm a lover of footwear of all shapes and sizes but sneakers aren't usually my thing. So for me to be this excited over a simple pair of sneakers, well... You know I'm serious about this.

Finally, I'm moving forward with my YouTube channel with a special thanks to my friend Nick for his brilliant brainstorming and constant support! 'The Quirky College Kitchen' has no set start date as of yet, but I've started writing up video ideas and heads up, a collab with Nick is highly likely for the near future. Think of the channel as a cooking show slash video diary slash talk show slash college inside scoop.

In other news? Halloweekend was amazing! I kicked some asses as Kim Possible this year, which needless to say has been one of my better Halloween costumes throughout the years (pretty sure I didn't even dress up at all last year...) Saturday, Nick and I roasted pumpkin seeds, made pumpkin soup, laughed until we cried over this picture:

Not only that, but it snowed on Sunday! Literally no better way to kick off my favorite month than with my favorite kind of weather. We're moving into winter and it has me over the moon (did someone say peppermint mocha and ski season??!?!!!)

In honor of my favorite season, I was *going* to present my Top 5 Songs for the week with Christmas themed music, but then I remembered that since I've been AWOL for almost 2 weeks, I haven't talked about Tay's 1989 yet! So here's my top 5 fave songs off the album (although let's be real, they're all perfect).

1. Style
2. How You Get The Girl
3. Clean
4. All You Had To Do Was Stay
5. I Know Places

In other musical news: Beyonce is dropping a new platinum album/anthology thing? New Bey music right before my birthday?? And also One Direction??? This birth month is shaping up to be a good one. 

Usually I save the end of my posts to be a shameless self-promotion, but this week I'm gonna promote my girl Jill. My cousin's been writing since probably before she could talk and she's brilliant at it. She and I have both struggled with our share of mental health problems and to this day still have our issues. We've each found our outlets over time, and hers has always been writing. Now she's launched her own blog and y'all should go check it out! I've provided the link here.

I'll wrap up by giving you guys some photos of my last few weeks - including HA Field Day, LinkedIn shenanigans (thank you Xander), and Illuminus Boston.

Until next time, love y'all, bye!